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Understanding grief

 

Losing someone you love or care deeply about is very painful. You may experience all kinds of difficult emotions and it may feel like the pain and sadness you are experiencing will never end. Bereavement affects people in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to feel. You might feel a lot of emotions at once, or feel that you are having a good day only to find that the next day you wake up and feel worse again. Powerful feelings can come unexpectedly. It can be like the waves on a beach. You can be standing in water up to your knees and feel you can cope, then suddenly a big wave comes and knocks you off your feet and you feel like you are drowning. 

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experiences, your faith and the nature of your loss. The grieving process takes time, it can’t be forced or hurried and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience it is important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold. 

Common symptoms of grief

While loss affects people in different ways, many experience some or all of the following symptoms when they’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything you experience in the early stages of grief is normal-including feelings like your going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs. You may feel some or all of the following :- 

  • Shock and disbelief – Immediately after a loss, it can be hard to accept what has happened. You may feel numb, have trouble in believing that the loss has really happened, or even deny the truth. You may keep expecting your loved one to show up, even though you know he or she has died. 
  • Sadness -  Profound and all consuming sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning or deep loneliness. You may cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable. This is a normal reaction to loosing someone you love. 
  • Guilt – You may have regrets or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person has died after a long, difficult illness). You may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done. 
  • Anger – Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you have lost a loved one you may feel angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for what has happened to you. 
  • Fear – A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the prospect of facing responsibilities alone. 
  • Physical symptoms – We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or gain, aches and pains, and insomnia. 

 

Coping with your grief and loss

The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you are grieving. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and Do not grieve alone. Connecting to others will help you heal. 

  • Turn to friends and family members – Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self sufficient. Draw loved ones close rather that avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need – whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with the funeral arrangements. 
  • Look after yourself  -  Grief is exhausting so try and maintain a balanced diet, take regular exercise and plenty of sleep. Do things that can relax you, read a good book, listen to music go, for walks in the country or the seaside. 
  • Plan ahead for holidays and anniversaries  -  These events can reawaken your grief especially the anniversary date of death and also birthdays and wedding dates. Be prepared for this and know that your emotions are completely normal 
  • Seek Spiritual and Religious support – If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you such as praying, meditating, attending a place of worship, listening to music, going for a walk in the countryside, personal charity work all, can bring peace and a respite from grief If you are questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to someone from that faith, they may be able to help you think things through.  
  • Join a support group – Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrows with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, counselling centres or your own GP. 
  • Seek Specialist help – If your grief feels like too much to bear, if instead of starting to recede it seems to be getting stronger and deeper, call on the help of an experienced grief counsellor, therapist, or clinical psychologist who can help you to work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving. Your local GP may be able to arrange this for you. Alternatively feel free to contact the supportive care department at Velindre hospital who are able to talk with you and advise you. 

 

The contact number for supportive care services is 029 20196132. or e-mail vcc.supportivecare@wales.nhs.uk